A Lesbian Baptist Speaks...

National Night Out (not what it sounds like on this blog...)

2009-10-15T21:52:00.003-05:00

So, every year home owner associations around the country have a "national night out" where all the neighbors on each street meet outside and talk to each other, eat food, and talk about issues that affect the neighborhood (issues this year - one couple's autistic teenagers - who like to walk around, the plant opening up north of our neighborhood, and people leaving their garage doors open).

I noticed a few months ago that one house on our street has a rainbow flag hanging up outside - and I wondered - but didn't know how to go about asking them... Well, I saw two middle-aged women show up together, and according to their nametags, they lived in that house... so, when everyone was talking, on pretext of petting the women's beagle, I asked one of them if they were "family" - and sure enough, they are! I barely know their names, but hey, there are some real live lesbians that openly live about five houses down from me!

Don't know when I'll have another chance to talk to them, but hey!

Miasma of Loneliness...

2009-10-12T22:06:00.005-05:00

I don't know why this would hit me more than usual tonight, but it has.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there are two people sitting somewhere - just holding hands and talking - and it is more than enough.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there are two people sitting in a car who can't keep their hands off each other - they may be getting cold, and their car steamed up - but they aren't willing to call it a night yet.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a couple that just committed to spend the rest of their lives together, and now they're trying to wrap their minds around what that means.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a newly married couple, discovering new things about each other, and neither of them are likely to get much sleep tonight.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a well-established couple, happy to just share the couch with one another.

Somewhere in this city, people are dancing.

Somewhere in this city, people are kissing.

Somewhere in this city, people are doing more than that.

But

None of those couples talking, holding hands, making out, kissing, dreaming, dancing or loving include me.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world.

My friend needs your help!

2009-10-10T00:58:00.002-05:00

A dear friend of mine is FTM (transgendered, female to male) and needs money for his top surgery. He's on a fixed income (disability) and his insurance won't pay for it because it's considered "elective". He's set a website up to raise money. Please help him out.

http://www.giveforward.org/selfmademan/

Subbing and such

2009-10-10T00:53:00.002-05:00

So, I didn't get a job teaching when school started, so I'm subbing. I'm having a great time. No, really! My last job environment was so toxic that no matter what comes I just feel like "so what, it wasn't nearly as bad as last year...."

And it really hasn't been that bad. I've been working with great people, getting to teach great kids, and being busy, busy, busy... I've been working every single school day since I got into the system, and people are requesting me weeks and months in advance.

I just hope and trust that it will lead to a full-time position next year... $80 a day not being enough to move out of my parents house on...

I've lost 41 pounds since June 25th, and it's still coming off (yay!)

My best friend from college is getting married in May and wants me to be a bridesmaid.

I'm not out to her.

I dated a girl a couple of times, but it didn't click.

I've really been too busy for dates.

When something else exciting happens I'll let you know.

getting a job

2009-09-02T15:38:00.002-05:00

So, I've been trying to complete the hiring process to be a substitute teacher at my mother's school (she's also a teacher) for the past three weeks.

It seems that it takes a personal visit or phone call to get anything done in their HR.

They would not accept the fingerprinting that I've already had done in 2007, because they only take them from 1/1/2008 or later.

I drove for 5 hours round-trip to get fingerprinted last week, because all the places closer were too busy to work me in.

They then said that THAT was all well and good, they weren't going to touch my application with anything approximating haste unless a principal emailed them saying they wanted me.

I asked my mother's principal to do this for me, because I'm supposed to sub for my mother next week - and she has to put me in as the sub before then.

He said he would - last week.

Today they said they haven't gotten his email.

He's off campus for today and tomorrow.

I am so frustrated I'm ready to scream.

In other news.

2009-08-31T12:06:00.003-05:00

I still don't have a job, but should be able to start substitute teaching in about another week or so.

I've lost 32.5 lbs since June 25th. I am now under 300 lbs.

I want to buy new clothes, but can't justify it because I have a bunch of old clothes that now fit, that my parents say are "like new"... and since they're in charge of my finances....

I did some drooling over the new Lane Bryant catalogue... the clothes in front of my parents, the underwear models in the privacy of my room :)

The National Kiss-In - my area

2009-08-18T08:57:00.002-05:00

So, I found out about the national kiss-in through facebook (although I carefully did not join the group) and decided that since my parents are still out of town that I could go to my first "protest" event. I thought - this won't be a big deal, since my parents were out of town, and anyone that they know who could tell them is unlikely to be downtown.

I also thought it would be a rather big event, as the description online said there would be kissing booths and GLBT vendors. I thought maybe I could buy a button or something while I was down there, and maybe meet someone, too.

So, I ride the train down there, but I'm running on gay time myself, so I'm a little late. As I get off the train, I notice some rainbow flags across the intersection, and I think (Oh, that must be the start of it) Little did I know, it was all of it. There were only about 30 people there, and no venders that I saw - same goes for the kissing booths. They did have a police presence protecting them, and a core group of people took turns with a megaphone. Every so often they would exhort us to find someone to kiss, and I kissed a couple of people that I don't know (first time *that's* ever happened) It was nice to feel part of a movement, and to feel that I was with people like me without having to go to a bar, and I got caught up a little in the rhetoric, so when they had an "open mic session" I stepped up and said a few words. I think I acquitted myself fairly well on the soapbox, but afterwards I noticed that there was a camera-man there from a local news station.

Suddenly I was freaked out.

What if, in their coverage of this event, they showed me in the background. What if, in their coverage of this event, they showed me *with the microphone* **calling myself a Lesbian in public** What if they showed this coverage, and people from my parents' church or work *saw* it. What if they saw it, and *said something* to my parents! Oh boy. That would be so not cool, since I'm living with my parents, economically dependent on them, and owe several thousand dollars on a student loan that my dad is a cosigner on (which he must remind me of, apparently at least once a day...) This would especially not be cool, since because of ... shall we say ... some bad decisions related to emotional instability, my parents are way into transparency (mine) recently, and would take finding out about my orientation through a coworker *badly* since they would see it as me hiding important things from them - which is what being in the closet is kind of about. And that, ironically, is what is mainly keeping me in the closet with them. I think they could deal with my sexuality better than the fact that I've kept it from them for years. I want to wait until at least I have a job, have paid off my loan, and live on my own before coming out to them, so I will have repaired their trust in me somewhat before landing this bomb on them. All that to say, while I plan someday to come out to them, today is not that day, and if someone told them before that point it would be *very bad*.

So I was moderately freaked out about the local news. I thought about calling them and requesting them not to run any segment where I was talking, because if I was just in the background I could simply say I was there in my "A" role (you know, the "A" from GLBTA) which I've developed to some degree in case of awkward questions. I was afraid of doing this, because knowing my luck, I'd run into some guy on a bad day who'd make sure I was in if I requested them not to show me. Such people exist - they aren't exactly following the SPJ code of ethics, but they exist none-the-less.

I ended up not calling. I figured that since there wasn't a reporter there, just a camera-man, that it was kind of unlikely to even show up on the news, and if it did, it almost certainly would be a clip of less than 30 seconds, and most likely contain the people that were running it, since they were at the mic a lot more than me.

So, reason triumphs over paranoia, and then I made a point to watch the news - where they didn't say one word about the Kiss-in, after all.

My first date

2009-08-10T22:09:00.002-05:00

My first date (with a woman) was tonight.

I wore jeans, a nice blouse, and nice jewelry.

I brought flowers.

She wore a little black dress with converse shoes.

We talked about social justice, books, TV shows, movies, families, our lives, cats, school, and many other things... for three hours.

I had a great time. We are now facebook friends.

It was a truly wonderful evening.

We didn't kiss, but we are going to go out again soon.

I'm looking forward to it.

update...

2009-08-09T22:17:00.002-05:00

oh yeah, and btw, I've lost 20 lbs since the end of June, I'm fully moved into my parents' house, and still unemployed.

Yay!

2009-08-09T22:14:00.002-05:00

I have a date! A real date! With a Woman!!!

I joined okcupid.com with an openly gay profile.

and have a DATE!

We're meeting at Cafe Brazil.

Her name is Stephanie!

did I mention

I HAVE A DATE!

btw, my parents are out of town for the week ;)

Moving on...

2009-07-22T22:32:00.002-05:00

I've been packing, packing, packing, packing and packing, and I still have some packing to do... plus I'm trying to get rid of things I don't need (like local phone books, since I'm moving away) and I've sold a lot of books (although I'm keeping a lot of books). I also have a bunch of clothes that are too small right now but that I should get into soon, plus the clothes that fit right now, plus the clothes that are nowhere near to fitting me yet, but I don't want to get rid of. I'm only going to get rid of clothes that are too big for me, and that I can't figure out how to alter to fit me (yes, I'm poor and unemployed at the moment, but I also know how to sew).

The cat knows that something is up, and tomorrow I load up the first load in my truck. On Friday I drive up to the parentals' house, get the storage unit, and start moving back home.

I'm having to pay 22 dollars a month to keep my email, still have my cell phone bill, will have to pay 80 dollars a month to rent the storage unit, have to pay approx 200 dollars a month to get all the supplements and protein drinks I'm supposed to have on my diet, my student loans just reached the point where I have to start paying them, and did I mention that right now I don't have a job.

Great.

Knitting with cats

2009-07-20T17:15:00.002-05:00

My cat decided to "help" me learn to cable knit.

If only she knew

2009-07-18T13:11:00.003-05:00

Last Sunday I hung out with two of my dear friends (sisters) and we went to a play put on by a children's theatre troupe. Most of the "children" were actually teenagers, or even college students, but it was fun...ny :) We had a good time, and had this running joke that Sarah (the oldest sister) had this strange ability to point at a guy and make him gay. Every guy that Sarah has been attracted to has turned out that way, and one of their friends recently came out as well. I guess it happens when you live in theatre and music circles... Anyhow, this is the friend that told me before that she takes the "hate the sin, love the sinner" approach to homosexuality, and when I told her that my sister was bi said "I'm sorry - how are you holding up?"

I also have a serious crush on her.

As we were all giggling about her mystical ability to point and make men gay, she made this comment - "You know it's funny, straight people think the gay point is funny, and gay men find it hilarious, but lesbians don't like it at all."

If only she knew...

More evidence that I live in a backward state

2009-07-11T22:24:00.002-05:00

So, apparently the police in El Paso are still enforcing anti-homosexual laws that were thrown out by the supreme court. Not only that, but even if those laws were still enforceable I doubt they applied to kissing...

http://www.kfoxtv.com/news/20020503/detail.html

http://www.elpasotimes.com/news/ci_12814956

http://www.ktsm.com/news/protest-held-over-gay-men-being-kicked-out-of-chicos-tacos

sigh

if you want to do something about this, I found a blog that has a few suggestions

http://queersunited.blogspot.com/2009/07/gay-men-face-discrimination-over-kiss.html

2009-07-10T08:07:00.003-05:00

I'm hoping on that sunrise...

I am constantly amazed at this man's lyrics. It seems he speaks them from my soul.

Going home again

2009-07-07T13:45:00.003-05:00

At the end of this month, I'm moving back in with my parents.

The reason for this is that I don't have a job.

Things that concern me:

1.) Getting a job (that I like, that pays enough, that will allow me to finish my teacher certification process, and is in a place where I am welcomed and encouraged in my teaching)

2.) I haven't lived in my parents' house for years, and there are several concerns related to that:

a.) living as an adult in my parents' home (general purposes)

b.) giving up a lot of my independence

c.) closeted lesbian moving back in with clueless parents...

The last one concerns me primarily logistically. During the past few months I have enjoyed slowly stepping out into the GLBT world... which I'm afraid will have to stop while I'm with my parents. First off I'll have very little money for going out, secondly, whenever I do go out, my parents will want to know where, why, and with whom.

Since "I'm going to the lezzie bar to see if I can meet people" would lead to a conversation I'm not ready for right now, I fear that for the next few months (hopefully, only a few) my dating chances will drop from small to none.

I'll also be attending their church while I'm living at home. I just don't feel right going somewhere else instead of riding along with them.

The last time I lived at home, I had not yet realized that I was a lesbian.

Any suggestions, those of you that have lived with your parents while they didn't know, and you did?

Although, if my parents ever stopped to look, they might figure it out on their own... for my birthday my dad gave me a power drill kit... of course, I've always been his "boy scout" and spent quite a lot of time as a teenager in the garage... as did my sister.... but oh yeah, she's bi....

Patriotism

2009-07-04T23:55:00.001-05:00

I posted this last year on my facebook account. It still seems relevant.

Sometimes people remark on what they see as my lack of patriotism. This is frustrating to me, because I feel strongly that I am a patriot. Perhaps my patriotism is different than theirs.

My patriotism is not the kind that swaths itself in flags and “God Bless America” signs. My patriotism is not the kind that blindly follows what the government says at all times.
My patriotism is not the kind that assumes that everything my country does is right.

I am rather afraid of people whose patriotism is like that.

My patriotism is the kind that wants my country to be the best that it can be, but does not believe that my country has reached that point yet.
My patriotism is the kind that stands ever vigilant in defense of the rights given to us by our constitution, and ever aware of the responsibilities delineated therein.
My patriotism is the kind that votes, for local, state, and national elections.

I am in love with what this country could be, should be, was dreamed to be. There are a lot of things about this country right now that I’m not a fan of, and I’m often vocally critical about these things. That does not in any way show a lack of affection for my country, but the very opposite. If I didn’t care about my country, it wouldn’t be a big deal when my countrymen and women’s civil rights are trampled. I wouldn’t care it my country did something I found wrong if I didn’t first care deeply about my country.

This makes itself most strongly felt when I contemplate war, both now and in our nation’s past. For centuries my family has fought in this nation’s wars, from the Revolutionary War to the Civil War to WWII. I’m proud of my ancestors who fought for this country’s independence, and my grandfather who fought against Hitler, but made uneasy by my family’s penchant for grey uniforms in the 1860’s.
More recently, I’m really glad that my asthma ended my abortive attempt to join the Air Force in 2001, since I strongly disagree with the non-Afghanistan action our country has instigated.
I weep for the soldiers who are killed and maimed in the service of our country, and fear that their sacrifice is for naught, or for a cause that we don’t really want to support.

If I knew that I could make our country into what it should be, a place where all people, regardless of race, gender, religion, nation of origin, sexual orientation, education level, or primary language can live in peace and prosperity in community with each other I would gladly do whatever it took – up to and including my life.
If that’s what it means to be a patriot, I am one.

Update

2009-07-03T09:21:00.002-05:00

I've officially lost 7.5 lbs.

I'm buying myself a book for every 5 lbs lost... except the book I wanted to buy is not in stock in the two bookstores in my town, and the three bookstores in the next closest town of any size. So, my mother is going to look for it today in the metropolitan area where she lives.

This might seem odd, except I'm driving up there today for the 4th, and for a late birthday celebration with family.

I'm supposed to drink 64 ounces of water a day, plus 8 ounces for each 25 lbs I want to loose, which makes it a whopping 104 ounces a day. Of just water. Without Crystal Light, or anything else. It's not that I can't drink such things, it's just that I also need to drink the 104 ounces of water.

I have to start this on the day I have to drive three hours.

On Sunday I'm driving back here, to join up with the first ever pride event in my town (a lake party/cookout)... if I have "de nerve"

Oh, and I broke a nail, which is most annoying, because it was the one I used as a stylus on my Treo.

Drawing Women

2009-07-01T09:59:00.003-05:00

I'm an artist, at least on the hobbyist level, and if I'm not on the computer, reading, beading, sewing, crocheting, (or eating, let's be honest here) then I'm drawing, painting, sketching... etc.

Most of my life, I would find myself spontaneously drawing women (usually without their clothes) and go "OMG, I can't be drawing that - I shouldn't even be thinking about a woman's body, much less drawing it. So I would erase or crumple up the offending drawing, and got rather good at drawing cats, as an alternative. I tried drawing men, but was never very good at it.

Last night, I realized that I now have no problem with drawing women, and spend an enjoyable evening doing just that.

Many Gifts, One Spirit

2009-06-29T08:16:00.004-05:00

The sermon at church yesterday was about this, and the song the

choir sang was this song (although this is not my church's choir)

I was sitting there, next to a friend that I have quite a crush on,

wishing I felt comfortable telling her, telling everyone there, about

this part of me, and, not wishing the repercussions, saying nothing.

This song is beautiful, but how can we say we are many parts one

body when the same church that also sang this song refused

baptism to a practicing lesbian (if she had made some kind of vow

of chastity, it would have been fine...) and dismissed from

employment a youth leader who was "outed" against her will. The

man who was directing the choir has openly admitted in his

testimony that he "struggles with homosexual urges" but that he is

doing his best to overcome them and to prove that regularly dates

women.

I want to think that if I told them, they'd realize that GLBT people

are just as talented, called, and loved by God as anyone else, but

seeing this congregational response to previous issues, I feel I

would just be ostracized and made unwelcome in a place that has

become "home" to me. I'm moving in about a month, and

perhaps I'll just exit quietly, stage right.

The new diet...

2009-06-26T11:23:00.004-05:00

So, I've started a new diet plan - one through a company - Metabolic Research Center - and suddenly I have a bunch of new supplements to take - with every meal, no less.

In the picture here you see how many pills I'm to take each day. The first compartment on the left is filled with the pills that I had already been taking (one prescription medication, a multi-vitamin, and an iron supplement) The OTHER THREE compartments are filled with my new regimen...

Here's hoping this works!

You Say

2009-06-25T10:48:00.002-05:00

You say you serve a God of love

Who came to wash the world of sin.

Your lineage you say comes from above

But your words show you're not of Him.

You say I'm like a junkie or a drunk

Irresponsibly picking up needle or can.

But I say that's a load of junk

I have yet to lie with a woman or a man.

You didn't have to struggle, as a child

To fit your square self in a hole for a round peg.

I'm tired of hurting from the edges I've filed

I'm moving forward to see what's ahead.

But no no no no you cry

For don't you know that God will smite

you if you should try

to put a woman in your life

It's sin it's sin it's sin it's sin

You yell, louder and louder still

And after you finish, begin again

Your choleric rage making you ill

But all this serves the opposite intent

I see nothing Godly in this din

To you I will not repent

Love is the opposite of sin.

well, I'm not a very good poet, but at least I know it ;)

This song

2009-06-24T19:11:00.002-05:00

This song has been on my heart and mind recently. I'd like to learn how to play/sing it, but can't seem to find the sheet music or accompaniment track anywhere :(

Pity Party

2009-06-24T15:36:00.001-05:00

It's my birthday. I'm 27, broke, and alone.

Questions in the land of Euphemisms

2009-06-20T21:34:00.003-05:00

Growing up, I didn't even have euphemisms. I only have a sister, no brothers, so apparently that made things easier for my mother. Before the mandatory sex ed video in fifth grade, the only differences I *knew* of between boys and girls was the way our hair was cut, and which department we bought our clothes in. As far as plumbing is concerned, I didn't even know that I had three holes downstairs, and in fact for a few years thought that hole that you neither peed or pooped out of somehow appeared at the onset of puberty.

Starting at about the same time as the sex ed video, I started hearing about "Worth the Wait" and "True Love Waits" and various other abstinence encouraging programs. I signed yearly commitment cards to "stay pure", "value my virginity" and various other wordings, and on my parents' 25th wedding anniversary (I was 14) they gave me a "promise ring" - a promise to myself, my parents, and to God that I would not have sex until I was married, and then, only to the person I married.

Now, perhaps this seems like so much Conservative Christian hogwash to you - yet another example of how a large part of the Christian community in this country seems obsessed with sex and sexual "sins" - and maybe it is - but here's the thing... I've believed it.

By the definition that s-e-x was explained to me, I am a virgin. In the 13 years since my parents gave me that ring, it has very rarely left my finger. It has become a part of my identity. It has become part of my hope that I will find someone to spend my life with, and don't I want to keep myself clean and pure and whole so that on my wedding night, after I have found that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, that I can give them my virginity like some kind of one-time-only present - the other option apparently sheepishly shrugging and offering oneself as a kind of used up kleenex.

The problem, or at least my current problem with this is that according to the definition I had gathered from these various abstinence programs, I could have wild lesbian orgies for the rest of my life and still consider myself a virgin, because until a man's *thing* has penetrated my *thing* that's what I'll be.

So, my current dilemma - as a moral, Christian lesbian where do I draw the line? (nothing below the waist, perhaps?) Do I draw a line? Do I just throw out this "true love waits" stuff as so much junk pressed on my by a patriarchal society bent on limiting female sexual freedom? And if I do decide to leave this behind with my heterosexuality - what do I do with my promise ring? If I did leave behind the ideas represented by that ring, I would feel horribly hypocritical still wearing it - and more than enough people I know also know what it means and would question its absence - drawing the wrong conclusions as they did so. While I am not ready to come out to my current church, my church of origin, or my parents, all of them would be concerned if I removed my promise ring, and would want to know why.

I know that with at least two of the three in those categories, and some would argue with all three, it's not really their business, I would feel rude and hurtful telling them so.

The easiest thing would be to just continue wearing the ring, regardless of what I decide it means.

But is is the right thing?

The next big push

2009-06-17T22:22:00.002-05:00

The next person I really want to come out to is my best friend, but I am really scared of how he would react, and since he knows my parents well, if he would feel he had to tell them or not. I wonder if I need to wait to tell him until I'm ready for my parents to know.

While I'm not ready to tell my parents, I want them to find out from me, not someone else.

Some of the things we talked about

2009-06-15T19:54:00.003-05:00

In the five-hour talk-a-thon that my sister and I had last night, we covered a lot of ground.

We talked about things about our childhood that in retrospect, seem early indicators. Both of us as children were more interested in "boy-scout" stuff - tomboys who you had to force to wear ribbons and bows (I still remember methodically removing my hose every Sunday in the girls' restroom, because my dad insisted that I wear it - but I insisted that I not wear it)

We talked about how both of us found it really easy to be pals, buds, friends with guys... while we were often intimidated by other girls, and some of the inexplicable things they would do (like wanting to perm their hair and wear make-up in 4th grade...)

We talked about how most of our relationships with boys and men slowly fell apart because we would rather hang out with them than kiss them, and how some relationships dramatically exploded because of the boys' insistence on make-outs when we didn't want it (I always thought I "wasn't ready")

We talked about why she has left the Baptist church (after I graduated high school it seems quite a few of the key members of the youth group at church thought the cool thing to do was to go to anti-gay rallies - and in the midst of her first recognized crush on a girl, my sister knew she wanted no part of that)

We talked about the very awkward conversation over two years ago, when she had just shaved her head (actually to try to pick up girls, I found out yesterday) and I wondered if she were gay or bi, and was trying to ask her using all kinds of euphemisms, which she was kind of surprised that I knew, but was resolutely, obtusely ignoring.

We talked about her current relationship, a man that she actually started dating after she shaved her head. She told him, fairly bluntly, early in the relationship, that she was mainly looking for a girl, but that he was nice. She loves him dearly. His parents love her, our parents love him, he's an overall nice guy, and she would commit to staying with him, marriage and all that entails, except for the part of her that wonders what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman. She is afraid to let him go, because of all the good things mentioned, the fact that she really does love him, and the inevitable questions that would follow if she broke up with someone with no apparent reason she's willing to share. She's also afraid that if she commits to him without having explored this other part of her sexuality that years down the road, after marriage, kids, life, she will reach a point where she just can't stand it any more, and ends up causing a lot of pain for her, him, and all of us that love them. She and I are hoping that he will give his blessing for her to attempt to casually date women for a while when she goes off to grad school - that way, if she realizes "oh, this really is more what I want to have in a relationship" she can do it now, with relatively less pain for all involved, and if she leaves and can't get off the phone/computer with him as soon as she's gone, she'll know that she can commit to him without regrets.

But both of us are just so glad to know that we can talk to each other about this part of ourselves. We've both agreed that neither of us are in any way ready to come out to Mom and Dad, but that if we ever do, we'll do it together and get it all over with at once.

Coming out to my Sister (you will never guess what happened...)

2009-06-14T23:20:00.003-05:00

Ok, I know it's been forever and three days since I posted, but this year has been stressful, busy, and hectic... and that was just my job. I'm sick and tired of semirural Texas and its insular inhabitants, and am planning a move to the metropolitan area where I grew up, and my parents and sister still live.

Hopefully this will lead to less stress in my life, more energy to blog, and more life to blog about.

But, anyhow, to today.

I'm house-sitting for my parents because they are off at a conference (in another country, no less) for the week. My sister and I have planned several days of activities while I'm here.

Now, my sister, and our mutual desire to do things together has been worrying me, because while I know that I can keep from my parents information about myself that would let them draw conclusions (mainly because they don't know what conclusions to draw... and the fact that I'm not likely to go to night-clubs with then...) I knew that I could not successfully do that with my sister. She has a lot of gay friends, and would not write off a set of rainbow earrings as reminders of God's promises, a trip to the "gay" part of town because they have a really good vegetarian restaurant, or my continuing lack of a boyfriend because I haven't found "the one". My sister would see these things and know, so I knew I wanted to tell her first, so I would know her reaction, and hopefully stave off any "OMG I have to call Mom" moments. I decided to first tell her I'm bi - and then more, depending on her reaction.

So, anyhow, this is really rambling, and I'm sorry that for the first post in such a long time it's such horrible writing. I'm sure one day I'll work it up into something glorious.

Anyways, today I drive up to see her, with the intention in the back of my head that sometime this week I have to tell her. We walk around the downtown area of her suburb, looking at shops and restaurants and chatting. When it gets late enough, we go into one to eat.

Sometime during dinner, the time seems right.

I ask "If I tell you something, can you keep it a secret from Mom and Dad?"

...she affirms...

So I say it "I'm bi."

She raises up her hand to give me a hi five, which I quizzically return.

"Me, too."

We talked straight through the next 5 hours, and would have talked longer except I had to get home to take care of the pets.

Of all the possible reactions she could have had, this was the best.

busy

2008-11-13T19:42:00.001-06:00

sorry I haven't blogged much - have a new job at a new school in a new city, and it's running me ragged. guess I'll get back to regular blogging in... june?

Weight loss and such

2008-07-09T16:13:00.001-05:00

I am reading a book called "The Beck Diet Solution" and working through the partnering workbook. It uses cognitave therapy to help you develop healthy habits and thoughts regarding food. It has really helped me see how much of my overeating was completely tied up with my emotions, how I wanted people to perceive me, how I thought they perceived me, and actually some to do with my tension over denying and then admitting my homosexuality - and I almost never ate because I was hungry, and in fact, almost never was hungry. While it helps you with the thought process, the book itself does not provide a diet plan, and suggests that you line up not one, but two - so if you give up on one you don't just stop dieting, but move on to the next one. For my diet I'm doing Weight Watchers, and exercising at the gym 3-4 times a week and stair climbing once a week. At the gym I mainly do the treadmill and water aerobics.

So, if y'all were wondering, that's how I've lost thirty pounds thus far.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

2008-07-05T12:47:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't written lately, y'all. I am right in the middle of preparations to move and start a new job, and have kicked the diet/exercise into high gear. Since I last wrote I've lost 20 pounds! That makes thirty since the start of the year!

Anyhow, I'm fine, I'm busy, I'm trying to bring organization to the chaos that is my life, and am making progress towards being debt free!

Sorry for all the exclamation points, I'm in a hurry, so they seem appropriate...

ttfn

My first night "out"

2008-05-17T18:51:00.002-05:00

One of the few people that I actually know who I'm out to is my friend "Sam" who is a lesbian and trans FTM, pre-op. If I just used a bunch of terms you don't know, Sam is a biological woman who feels like a man. She dressed like a man, buzzes her hair, and one day wants to start testosterone therapy and possibly have a few operations to make her body match her head. So, as a lesbian, she is very "butch". She lives three hours away from me, so I don't get to see her often, but the other weekend she was in town. She convinced me to go with her to the local "gay" bar, which, truth to tell, while I had been curious, I never would have gone there on my own. I was terrified that I would see someone I know, or someone I know would recognize my car outside the place and ask why I was there, etc.

Going out that night convinced me of a few things.

I really hate bars, of any variety. I hate cigarette smoke. I hate the way my eyes itch in it, I hate the way my clothes smell when I've been surrounded by it. I wish there was a gay coffee-house or a gay bookstore or a gay anything-else-but-a-bar in my town, because I truly hate bars.

I hate when people I'm with get drunk to the point of throwing up. Sam didn't, but her brother was with her, and he did. I was so embarrassed I wanted to sink into the floor, and I don't think I'm ever going to a bar again with Steele - although I might with Sam.

Kissing a woman is beautiful. Sam offered a little no-strings makeout, since she knows I haven't found the nerve to approach another woman yet. Kissing her was beautiful, and felt right in a way kissing a guy never felt.

After kissing Sam I was able to start day-dreaming about what kind of woman I want to meet. Before it was just some kind of amorphous "woman" - now I've been thinking of what kind of hair I think is cute, and what things I would like her to be into, how she might dress, which books she might read.

But cigarette smoke and vomit remain disgusting.

Why do people want to do things that lead to such substances?

So, I'm Famous

2008-05-17T18:11:00.002-05:00

Apparently I'm the blog of the week in the Dallas Morning News - who knew?

It's funny. I've had blogs on all kinds of things, wanted people to read them. The one time I'd prefer to just blog into the void - I get national attention.

Baby hunger

2008-05-07T22:48:00.002-05:00

So, one of my friends had a baby last week. He's really cute, a little wide-eyed person staring out in the world.

While I know that I am not ready financially, relationally, or probably most other ways, I'm pretty sure that hormonally I am ready to have a baby. Every time I see one I want to hold it, every time I hold one, I want one.

Now, most of my life I've known that I had to wait until I was married to have children, but when I was planning on marrying a man, I knew that when the time came children would naturally come.

Now that's not so much the case.

I know I have options. Adoption, in vitro, etc...

I just wish that when the time comes... there's a way to make my child genetically mine and my yet to be discovered partner.

The romance is gone, but...

2008-05-02T22:45:00.004-05:00

So, I go out to my favorite Mexican restaurant tonight. It's a little family owned place, with three generations currently working there, and absolutely fabulous fajitas. Another thing they have, that very few places actually do, is a desert called flan. Now, I grew up knowing people who made this wondrous desert at home, and came to enjoy it in that form. Now, among the few restaurants that actually have flan, some do a horrendous job, while others are decent. My favorite restaurant is fantastic at it.

Back to tonight. I get my chips and salsa. I get my beef fajitas. I ask for my flan.

After a little while of waiting, the middle generation lady of this restaurant came out to my table, apologized, and said that someone had served the last unfrozen flan without taking out any more, but that she would be glad to pack one up for me to take home, and I could have it tomorrow. This seemed fine with me, she came back with a paper bag, and I payed my bill and left.

At home I peeked into the bag, wondering how one packages a flan, and found it in a plastic package complete with safety seal... this most wondrous flan is MASS PRODUCED, and not made by a little Hispanic grandmother in the back of the kitchen. This initially made me a little disappointed - the mystery is all gone... but now I'm wondering... if this restaurant can order frozen flan from somewhere, can I?

For those of you who have been wondering this whole time, what the heck is flan, the American Heritage Dictionary says it is "a custard that is baked in a caramel-lined mold and served chilled with the caramel side up." I say it is good. Above is a picture, randomly found on the internet.

War

2008-04-28T00:29:00.002-05:00

One of my friends got online tonight to tell me that she is joining the army so she can pay to continue to go to school. I was stunned, shocked, silent, and finally managed to tell her that I would pray for her and for her to let me know how it goes, etc.

But see there is this one thing.

I believe war is wrong.

Incredibly wrong.

Really, really wrong.

There is never an excuse for it wrong.

and I didn't say anything.

because, obviously, she doesn't feel that way, or she wouldn't be joining the army.

I went to school with her, and I know that she is a deeply committed Christian. My faith has lead me to believe there is no just war, while her equally Christian faith lead her to believe that there is such a thing.

Just as I don't want people pounding me over the head with Bible verses that I've already examined, I have to assume that she has thought about this, prayed about this, etc, and any convincing I try to do will just hurt.

But I wonder... should I tell her that I'm anti-war?

Should I tell her that I pray every day that this conflict will end?

Should I tell her that I cry every time I hear of anyone, American or not, dying or being horribly injured in this stupid war?

Or do I just silently add her to the list of people that I pray and cry for?

Oh Lord, Why do the nations rage?

Bravery and Cowardice

2008-04-26T22:34:00.002-05:00

So, I finally got up the nerve/self realization to start blogging, and meet lots of really nice people, and a few really nasty ones, and etc, y'all saw that.

I felt kind of like someone who had come out into the sun, was discovering that it was nice, and then had a bucket of fish heads dumped on me.

That, plus fears that people would somehow discern who I was if they stumbled upon my blog and actually know me.

So, that's why I haven't written recently.

I'm not sure how to resolve these issues.

I'm in the process of getting a new job, that I really want, and am afraid that in some freak of technology, that the people hiring me will find this blog and somehow know it's me, which is rather irrational I know.

I kind of want to curl into a ball and say "you can't see me, you can't see me..."

Oh Lord, help me to be brave in You.

Enough already!

2008-04-11T00:25:00.004-05:00

I'm all for discussion - with me - once you start addressing comments to other people leaving me comments - basically having an argument THROUGH me, I get tired of it.

and Anonymous, even if I don't post your comments, I do read them, but since you're basically saying the same thing, I didn't see the need to repost them, and continue the fight in my comment log. And really, choose a name, even if it's TrueVoiceOfTheMostHigh. You don't have to have a blog, or an account with blogger, to post under a name. If you believe in this so strongly, why not give me a name to identify you with?

and btw, your "I know all the answers, I have two degrees in theology." attitude doesn't impress me much, it just gets my back up. There are people with MDivs who think God is dead. A degree is not a guarantee of theology. Some people think it is a hinderance to it.

So, anyways, this week.

2008-04-10T22:24:00.002-05:00

It's not been good, this week. It's been confusing. It's been depressing. It's been anxiety-ridden.

I'm waiting for a very important piece of mail that has not come yet and is driving me to distraction, so that's why I'm anxiety-ridden.

This monday I was at a thing for church and a woman shared her testimony - which featured her being "saved from homosexuality" She is now "happily married" and has three children.

I came out to another friend, who I thought would understand. She wanted to pray for me to be rescued from temptation for 30 minutes.

I flirted with a guy today and enjoyed it. I wish my pheromones would make up their minds.

Part of me longs to return to the quasi-fundamentalism of my childhood, where there was no grey, just black and white. No thinking was involved, just following the rules.

And part of me is afraid of no longer being the little girl who always did what was expected.

sigh

Ah, the irony...

2008-04-06T18:34:00.003-05:00

So, I'll get back to deep history and other stuff which is percolating in the back of my head at the moment, but today I want to talk about my day.

So, there is a girl at my church that I have a crush on. We are fairly good friends, and for the past couple of weeks have hung out together after church. We can talk about almost everything except politics (and... well... do I have to spell it out?) and have a lot of the same hobbies and interests. And did I mention that she's beautiful?

Anyhow, she has no idea I'm lesbian, and we have a very satisfactory friend relationship. She is fully convinced that being gay is a sin, although she has several gay friends (more than she knows...)

I don't know which is worse, to not spend time with her, or to spend time with her and know that I don't want to risk our current relationship by letting her know what I would like our relationship to be.

She treats me like a sister, and I *behave* like a sister with her.

Oh, and what did we spend at least an hour talking about today?

Men.

Don't Worry

2008-04-06T01:08:00.001-05:00

Just to relieve everyone sending me comments today, I do not plan on coming out to my mother over the phone!

Mama

2008-04-04T18:03:00.002-05:00

My mother and I are a lot alike temperamentally. We say that my sister is like my Dad and I am like my mother. I think it is rather that I am more like my mother, while still being a lot like my father. For example, my mother cries when she gets upset, my dad yells. I do both... with interesting results :P.

My mother is an artist. Even though she works as a school teacher, that is the defining characteristic that I think of to describe her. As a child, I didn't understand why people would be so impressed by the paintings in our house. Didn't every mother make several watercolors and acrylic paintings a year? I think the only piece of framed art in my parents house that was not made by a family member is a print of a Monet that I needed for a report in high school. My sister and I both continue this artistic tradition when we have the time.

I think one thing that my mother has taught me is that determination is really the key to success. When my sister and I were young my mother stayed at home with us. After my sister started school, my mother went back to college to get certified to teach, and started teaching when I was in high school.

She had an absolutely horrible time that first year. After staying at home for over ten years with children that were fairly well behaved naturally, the wilds of a public middle school were quite a shock to her. She had very little classroom management, and often came home after school crying. Her principal started an aggressive observation and mentorship program with her, and after drying her eyes, my mother threw herself into it whole-heartedly. Now, ten years later, she has become a teacher that other teachers are sent to learn from, and leads her group, or "team" of teachers. I have seen my mother go from being a shy, sensitive housewife to an assertive professional. Her "teacher look" is particularly well developed. I have seen her make grown men stop the annoying behavior they are participating in and apologize with just a glance.

Growing up, whenever I had any questions about boys, or relationships, or childbirth, or just about anything else, I could ask my mother, and after a blush or two, she would tell me what I needed to know. The one thing we didn't talk about - anything I thought might make her upset. I can't stand to make my mother upset, or disappointed with me. For years I suffered from depression without telling my parents, because I knew that my mother would take it to heart and think it was her fault.

How do I know that my mother would react this way? When my sister had to get treatment for panic attacks, my mother called me up on the brink of tears, convinced that she must have caused it by eating something she shouldn't have when pregnant. Despite the fact that my father has asthma, and my paternal grandmother had it, and that my paternal aunt, one cousin, and her son all have asthma, my mom is convinced that I have it because one of her coworkers smoked next to her when she was pregnant with me. My mom is great at accepting guilt for things that are not her fault.

My mother and I have actually talked about the whole GLBT thing, because a friend of mine came out to her family a couple of years ago. Her parents basically flipped out, joined a fundamentalist church, and tried to sign her up for deprogramming counseling. They have told her that she is not welcome to visit them as long as she is still a lesbian. My mother and I both agreed that this was an absurd and painful reaction. She said she couldn't think of anything that me or my sister could do that would make her not want to see us any more, and basically thought that my friend's parents' reaction was cruel and extreme. I had just finished thinking that my mom was the coolest ever when she said "But regardless, I'm so glad that you and your sister are straight, and I don't have to worry about that."

I'm not sure how to take that, especially now.

I talk to my mother every day on the phone, and some days it seems that I just want to say, perhaps in passing, "Hey Mom, I'm a lesbian." but even if one day I get to the point where I think I could handle telling my parents, I'm pretty sure the phone would be a bad way to go about it.

My Daddy

2008-04-03T11:58:00.002-05:00

Some people I know think that people become lesbian or gay because they have a dysfunctional or broken family. I guess I break that stereotype. My parents have been married for thirty-six years, and are more in love with each other than ever. Neither of them is violent or addicted to drugs, and never, ever abused me, my sister, or each other.

That's just to set the record straight. If you want to read some tale of abuse and neglect, find some other blog.

I am going to try my hardest to have one summary blog about my dad, and one summary blog about my mom, but they are so much alike, and so often together, that there will be a lot of overlap... I just didn't want to set out to write the world's longest post by attempting to write about both of them.

I really was my Daddy's little girl. I remember "helping" him in the garage with whatever he was working with, be it a car, a woodworking project, or some sort of home/appliance repair. Looking back, there are plenty of funny stories, although at the time I'm sure they were terrifying for my dad. Once, after showing me how to put a tire back on a car, he had me tighten down the bolts... but didn't come after to make sure they were down all the way. I think I was four or five. I'm really glad my dad was driving in the right-hand lane when he noticed something odd with his tire, since after he pulled over it fell off... My dad has always had ultimate confidence in me, although I think he did realize that a small child does not have the upper-body strength of an adult after that incident. He encouraged me in school, with full confidence that I could do anything, learn anything, that I set my heart on. When it turned out that I had asthma like my dad, he showed me how to take my medicine, and I felt so excited that our inhalers looked exactly the same.

My family has a love of the mountains, and every summer we would head out on an expedition to Colorado, where we would hike, climb, jeep, and occasionally boat over or on anything we could find. My Daddy and I would always acclimate to the altitude a lot faster than my mom and sister - possibly because we're used to less oxygen than the average person, and it would always feel so good to me that me and my Daddy would be running right up the mountains, while my mother and sister would be lagging behind... an occurrence that only happened two weeks out of the year.

As a teenager, my dad became my protector. This was occasionally embarrassing, like when he showed up at a prayer walk my Christian club at school was doing - to make sure we didn't get in trouble, or like the time he convinced my homecoming date that he had an AK-47 (he doesn't). I always knew that he would always be there, and that whatever the situation, he could make it right, could rescue me from my mistakes, or cheer me on, if that was what I needed. He had/has a tendency to want to fight my battles for me, but when I need someone in my corner, he's where I go.

When I was in college we set off sparks. I'm still not sure why. We couldn't be in the same room together without it exploding into an argument. I don't even remember what we argued about, but I remember dreading coming home for breaks, or even talking to him on the phone. After some counseling, hard discussions, and maturing (I know on my part) we got through it, and while my dad and I have had disagreements in the past few years, it hasn't been anywhere close to the yelling, crying, cursing fits of yesteryear. I hope and pray those never come back.

Now that I'm a neophyte adult, my Daddy and I seem more emotionally close than ever before. We talk about things as adults and friends, not as a small child filled with Daddy-worship, and the paterfamilias explaining how things are done. After I was diagnosed with depression, he opened up to me about his struggles with the same illness (I already knew which parent I got it from) and as I have worked on setting up things like retirement accounts, and tried to figure out how nice of a car I could afford, he has been there to share not only what worked for them, but what didn't work, too. When people ask me why I haven't gone on a date in over a year, I tell them I can't find a man as good as my dad... and while I might be using that as a cover, it's also the truth.

So why haven't I told this loving, supportive man that I'm a lesbian? It's fear. I'm afraid that he won't understand, will be completely bewildered, and that our relationship, which suffered so much during my college years, will never be the same. My dad is not a fundamentalist, but I don't think he's ever thought about gay and lesbian issues that much. I've only heard him talk about such things once, and that was about gay marriage. He's against it. He doesn't think it's fair that gays should get a tax break when they aren't even raising families. When I mentioned to him that a lot of gay and lesbian people have children and that a lot of straight couples don't have kids he kind of ignored it. I didn't press the issue - at the time I didn't know I was a lesbian. That was a few years ago, I don't know what his current views are. I'm glad that he didn't pull out the "sanctity of marriage card." I would have been very surprised if he had, because most of those uber-religio-political people make him mad.

I think my biggest fear is that my dad would think it was something wrong with me, and that it was somehow his fault.

What door?

2008-04-02T21:19:00.000-05:00

So, I'm a teacher in a small town, in a southern, "red" state. I grew up in the Southern Baptist Church. I became a Christian when I was seven. I was at the church just about every time the doors were open. I was in children's choir and GA's (girls in action), later youth choir, which enabled me to go on several mission trips. I went to a small Baptist college, and am still an active member at a Baptist church (although not a Southern Baptist one). My faith is very important to me, and so is my church. It would break my heart to leave my church. I guess for most people this wouldn't be a problem.

The problem for me? I've come to the conclusion in the past year that not only am I not that attracted to men, but I am very attracted to women. I am not straight. I am a lesbian... and only four people in this world know, and they are all either gay, lesbian, or bi.

While I know that God made me the way I am, I am afraid of rejection, disappointment, isolation, loosing friends, and possibly even loosing my job if I came out about my sexual orientation. I don't feel like I have the courage to be a pioneer in this arena, at least at this time, but I'm praying for change.

As of right now, I have no plans to even look for the door of the closet, much less come out of it.