National Night Out (not what it sounds like on this blog...)

So, every year home owner associations around the country have a "national night out" where all the neighbors on each street meet outside and talk to each other, eat food, and talk about issues that affect the neighborhood (issues this year - one couple's autistic teenagers - who like to walk around, the plant opening up north of our neighborhood, and people leaving their garage doors open).

I noticed a few months ago that one house on our street has a rainbow flag hanging up outside - and I wondered - but didn't know how to go about asking them... Well, I saw two middle-aged women show up together, and according to their nametags, they lived in that house... so, when everyone was talking, on pretext of petting the women's beagle, I asked one of them if they were "family" - and sure enough, they are! I barely know their names, but hey, there are some real live lesbians that openly live about five houses down from me!

Don't know when I'll have another chance to talk to them, but hey!

Miasma of Loneliness...

I don't know why this would hit me more than usual tonight, but it has.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there are two people sitting somewhere - just holding hands and talking - and it is more than enough.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there are two people sitting in a car who can't keep their hands off each other - they may be getting cold, and their car steamed up - but they aren't willing to call it a night yet.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a couple that just committed to spend the rest of their lives together, and now they're trying to wrap their minds around what that means.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a newly married couple, discovering new things about each other, and neither of them are likely to get much sleep tonight.

Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a well-established couple, happy to just share the couch with one another.

Somewhere in this city, people are dancing.

Somewhere in this city, people are kissing.

Somewhere in this city, people are doing more than that.

But

None of those couples talking, holding hands, making out, kissing, dreaming, dancing or loving include me.

I feel like the loneliest person in the world.

My friend needs your help!

A dear friend of mine is FTM (transgendered, female to male) and needs money for his top surgery. He's on a fixed income (disability) and his insurance won't pay for it because it's considered "elective". He's set a website up to raise money. Please help him out.

http://www.giveforward.org/selfmademan/

Subbing and such

So, I didn't get a job teaching when school started, so I'm subbing. I'm having a great time. No, really! My last job environment was so toxic that no matter what comes I just feel like "so what, it wasn't nearly as bad as last year...."

And it really hasn't been that bad. I've been working with great people, getting to teach great kids, and being busy, busy, busy... I've been working every single school day since I got into the system, and people are requesting me weeks and months in advance.

I just hope and trust that it will lead to a full-time position next year... $80 a day not being enough to move out of my parents house on...

I've lost 41 pounds since June 25th, and it's still coming off (yay!)

My best friend from college is getting married in May and wants me to be a bridesmaid.

I'm not out to her.

I dated a girl a couple of times, but it didn't click.

I've really been too busy for dates.

When something else exciting happens I'll let you know.

getting a job

So, I've been trying to complete the hiring process to be a substitute teacher at my mother's school (she's also a teacher) for the past three weeks.

It seems that it takes a personal visit or phone call to get anything done in their HR.

They would not accept the fingerprinting that I've already had done in 2007, because they only take them from 1/1/2008 or later.

I drove for 5 hours round-trip to get fingerprinted last week, because all the places closer were too busy to work me in.

They then said that THAT was all well and good, they weren't going to touch my application with anything approximating haste unless a principal emailed them saying they wanted me.

I asked my mother's principal to do this for me, because I'm supposed to sub for my mother next week - and she has to put me in as the sub before then.

He said he would - last week.

Today they said they haven't gotten his email.

He's off campus for today and tomorrow.

I am so frustrated I'm ready to scream.

In other news.

I still don't have a job, but should be able to start substitute teaching in about another week or so.

I've lost 32.5 lbs since June 25th. I am now under 300 lbs.

I want to buy new clothes, but can't justify it because I have a bunch of old clothes that now fit, that my parents say are "like new"... and since they're in charge of my finances....

I did some drooling over the new Lane Bryant catalogue... the clothes in front of my parents, the underwear models in the privacy of my room :)

The National Kiss-In - my area

So, I found out about the national kiss-in through facebook (although I carefully did not join the group) and decided that since my parents are still out of town that I could go to my first "protest" event. I thought - this won't be a big deal, since my parents were out of town, and anyone that they know who could tell them is unlikely to be downtown.

I also thought it would be a rather big event, as the description online said there would be kissing booths and GLBT vendors. I thought maybe I could buy a button or something while I was down there, and maybe meet someone, too.

So, I ride the train down there, but I'm running on gay time myself, so I'm a little late. As I get off the train, I notice some rainbow flags across the intersection, and I think (Oh, that must be the start of it) Little did I know, it was all of it. There were only about 30 people there, and no venders that I saw - same goes for the kissing booths. They did have a police presence protecting them, and a core group of people took turns with a megaphone. Every so often they would exhort us to find someone to kiss, and I kissed a couple of people that I don't know (first time *that's* ever happened) It was nice to feel part of a movement, and to feel that I was with people like me without having to go to a bar, and I got caught up a little in the rhetoric, so when they had an "open mic session" I stepped up and said a few words. I think I acquitted myself fairly well on the soapbox, but afterwards I noticed that there was a camera-man there from a local news station.

Suddenly I was freaked out.

What if, in their coverage of this event, they showed me in the background. What if, in their coverage of this event, they showed me *with the microphone* **calling myself a Lesbian in public** What if they showed this coverage, and people from my parents' church or work *saw* it. What if they saw it, and *said something* to my parents! Oh boy. That would be so not cool, since I'm living with my parents, economically dependent on them, and owe several thousand dollars on a student loan that my dad is a cosigner on (which he must remind me of, apparently at least once a day...) This would especially not be cool, since because of ... shall we say ... some bad decisions related to emotional instability, my parents are way into transparency (mine) recently, and would take finding out about my orientation through a coworker *badly* since they would see it as me hiding important things from them - which is what being in the closet is kind of about. And that, ironically, is what is mainly keeping me in the closet with them. I think they could deal with my sexuality better than the fact that I've kept it from them for years. I want to wait until at least I have a job, have paid off my loan, and live on my own before coming out to them, so I will have repaired their trust in me somewhat before landing this bomb on them. All that to say, while I plan someday to come out to them, today is not that day, and if someone told them before that point it would be *very bad*.

So I was moderately freaked out about the local news. I thought about calling them and requesting them not to run any segment where I was talking, because if I was just in the background I could simply say I was there in my "A" role (you know, the "A" from GLBTA) which I've developed to some degree in case of awkward questions. I was afraid of doing this, because knowing my luck, I'd run into some guy on a bad day who'd make sure I was in if I requested them not to show me. Such people exist - they aren't exactly following the SPJ code of ethics, but they exist none-the-less.

I ended up not calling. I figured that since there wasn't a reporter there, just a camera-man, that it was kind of unlikely to even show up on the news, and if it did, it almost certainly would be a clip of less than 30 seconds, and most likely contain the people that were running it, since they were at the mic a lot more than me.

So, reason triumphs over paranoia, and then I made a point to watch the news - where they didn't say one word about the Kiss-in, after all.