So, every year home owner associations around the country have a "national night out" where all the neighbors on each street meet outside and talk to each other, eat food, and talk about issues that affect the neighborhood (issues this year - one couple's autistic teenagers - who like to walk around, the plant opening up north of our neighborhood, and people leaving their garage doors open).
I noticed a few months ago that one house on our street has a rainbow flag hanging up outside - and I wondered - but didn't know how to go about asking them... Well, I saw two middle-aged women show up together, and according to their nametags, they lived in that house... so, when everyone was talking, on pretext of petting the women's beagle, I asked one of them if they were "family" - and sure enough, they are! I barely know their names, but hey, there are some real live lesbians that openly live about five houses down from me!
Don't know when I'll have another chance to talk to them, but hey!
I don't know why this would hit me more than usual tonight, but it has.
Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there are two people sitting somewhere - just holding hands and talking - and it is more than enough.
Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there are two people sitting in a car who can't keep their hands off each other - they may be getting cold, and their car steamed up - but they aren't willing to call it a night yet.
Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a couple that just committed to spend the rest of their lives together, and now they're trying to wrap their minds around what that means.
Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a newly married couple, discovering new things about each other, and neither of them are likely to get much sleep tonight.
Somewhere in this city, somewhere in this night, there is a well-established couple, happy to just share the couch with one another.
Somewhere in this city, people are dancing.
Somewhere in this city, people are kissing.
Somewhere in this city, people are doing more than that.
But
None of those couples talking, holding hands, making out, kissing, dreaming, dancing or loving include me.
A dear friend of mine is FTM (transgendered, female to male) and needs money for his top surgery. He's on a fixed income (disability) and his insurance won't pay for it because it's considered "elective". He's set a website up to raise money. Please help him out.
So, I didn't get a job teaching when school started, so I'm subbing. I'm having a great time. No, really! My last job environment was so toxic that no matter what comes I just feel like "so what, it wasn't nearly as bad as last year...."
And it really hasn't been that bad. I've been working with great people, getting to teach great kids, and being busy, busy, busy... I've been working every single school day since I got into the system, and people are requesting me weeks and months in advance.
I just hope and trust that it will lead to a full-time position next year... $80 a day not being enough to move out of my parents house on...
I've lost 41 pounds since June 25th, and it's still coming off (yay!)
My best friend from college is getting married in May and wants me to be a bridesmaid.
I'm not out to her.
I dated a girl a couple of times, but it didn't click.
I've really been too busy for dates.
When something else exciting happens I'll let you know.
So, I've been trying to complete the hiring process to be a substitute teacher at my mother's school (she's also a teacher) for the past three weeks.
It seems that it takes a personal visit or phone call to get anything done in their HR.
They would not accept the fingerprinting that I've already had done in 2007, because they only take them from 1/1/2008 or later.
I drove for 5 hours round-trip to get fingerprinted last week, because all the places closer were too busy to work me in.
They then said that THAT was all well and good, they weren't going to touch my application with anything approximating haste unless a principal emailed them saying they wanted me.
I asked my mother's principal to do this for me, because I'm supposed to sub for my mother next week - and she has to put me in as the sub before then.
I still don't have a job, but should be able to start substitute teaching in about another week or so.
I've lost 32.5 lbs since June 25th. I am now under 300 lbs.
I want to buy new clothes, but can't justify it because I have a bunch of old clothes that now fit, that my parents say are "like new"... and since they're in charge of my finances....
I did some drooling over the new Lane Bryant catalogue... the clothes in front of my parents, the underwear models in the privacy of my room :)
So, I found out about the national kiss-in through facebook (although I carefully did not join the group) and decided that since my parents are still out of town that I could go to my first "protest" event. I thought - this won't be a big deal, since my parents were out of town, and anyone that they know who could tell them is unlikely to be downtown.
I also thought it would be a rather big event, as the description online said there would be kissing booths and GLBT vendors. I thought maybe I could buy a button or something while I was down there, and maybe meet someone, too.
So, I ride the train down there, but I'm running on gay time myself, so I'm a little late. As I get off the train, I notice some rainbow flags across the intersection, and I think (Oh, that must be the start of it) Little did I know, it was all of it. There were only about 30 people there, and no venders that I saw - same goes for the kissing booths. They did have a police presence protecting them, and a core group of people took turns with a megaphone. Every so often they would exhort us to find someone to kiss, and I kissed a couple of people that I don't know (first time *that's* ever happened) It was nice to feel part of a movement, and to feel that I was with people like me without having to go to a bar, and I got caught up a little in the rhetoric, so when they had an "open mic session" I stepped up and said a few words. I think I acquitted myself fairly well on the soapbox, but afterwards I noticed that there was a camera-man there from a local news station.
Suddenly I was freaked out.
What if, in their coverage of this event, they showed me in the background. What if, in their coverage of this event, they showed me *with the microphone* **calling myself a Lesbian in public** What if they showed this coverage, and people from my parents' church or work *saw* it. What if they saw it, and *said something* to my parents! Oh boy. That would be so not cool, since I'm living with my parents, economically dependent on them, and owe several thousand dollars on a student loan that my dad is a cosigner on (which he must remind me of, apparently at least once a day...) This would especially not be cool, since because of ... shall we say ... some bad decisions related to emotional instability, my parents are way into transparency (mine) recently, and would take finding out about my orientation through a coworker *badly* since they would see it as me hiding important things from them - which is what being in the closet is kind of about. And that, ironically, is what is mainly keeping me in the closet with them. I think they could deal with my sexuality better than the fact that I've kept it from them for years. I want to wait until at least I have a job, have paid off my loan, and live on my own before coming out to them, so I will have repaired their trust in me somewhat before landing this bomb on them. All that to say, while I plan someday to come out to them, today is not that day, and if someone told them before that point it would be *very bad*.
So I was moderately freaked out about the local news. I thought about calling them and requesting them not to run any segment where I was talking, because if I was just in the background I could simply say I was there in my "A" role (you know, the "A" from GLBTA) which I've developed to some degree in case of awkward questions. I was afraid of doing this, because knowing my luck, I'd run into some guy on a bad day who'd make sure I was in if I requested them not to show me. Such people exist - they aren't exactly following the SPJ code of ethics, but they exist none-the-less.
I ended up not calling. I figured that since there wasn't a reporter there, just a camera-man, that it was kind of unlikely to even show up on the news, and if it did, it almost certainly would be a clip of less than 30 seconds, and most likely contain the people that were running it, since they were at the mic a lot more than me.
So, reason triumphs over paranoia, and then I made a point to watch the news - where they didn't say one word about the Kiss-in, after all.
I've been packing, packing, packing, packing and packing, and I still have some packing to do... plus I'm trying to get rid of things I don't need (like local phone books, since I'm moving away) and I've sold a lot of books (although I'm keeping a lot of books). I also have a bunch of clothes that are too small right now but that I should get into soon, plus the clothes that fit right now, plus the clothes that are nowhere near to fitting me yet, but I don't want to get rid of. I'm only going to get rid of clothes that are too big for me, and that I can't figure out how to alter to fit me (yes, I'm poor and unemployed at the moment, but I also know how to sew).
The cat knows that something is up, and tomorrow I load up the first load in my truck. On Friday I drive up to the parentals' house, get the storage unit, and start moving back home.
I'm having to pay 22 dollars a month to keep my email, still have my cell phone bill, will have to pay 80 dollars a month to rent the storage unit, have to pay approx 200 dollars a month to get all the supplements and protein drinks I'm supposed to have on my diet, my student loans just reached the point where I have to start paying them, and did I mention that right now I don't have a job.
Last Sunday I hung out with two of my dear friends (sisters) and we went to a play put on by a children's theatre troupe. Most of the "children" were actually teenagers, or even college students, but it was fun...ny :) We had a good time, and had this running joke that Sarah (the oldest sister) had this strange ability to point at a guy and make him gay. Every guy that Sarah has been attracted to has turned out that way, and one of their friends recently came out as well. I guess it happens when you live in theatre and music circles... Anyhow, this is the friend that told me before that she takes the "hate the sin, love the sinner" approach to homosexuality, and when I told her that my sister was bi said "I'm sorry - how are you holding up?"
I also have a serious crush on her.
As we were all giggling about her mystical ability to point and make men gay, she made this comment - "You know it's funny, straight people think the gay point is funny, and gay men find it hilarious, but lesbians don't like it at all."
So, apparently the police in El Paso are still enforcing anti-homosexual laws that were thrown out by the supreme court. Not only that, but even if those laws were still enforceable I doubt they applied to kissing...
At the end of this month, I'm moving back in with my parents.
The reason for this is that I don't have a job.
Things that concern me:
1.) Getting a job (that I like, that pays enough, that will allow me to finish my teacher certification process, and is in a place where I am welcomed and encouraged in my teaching)
2.) I haven't lived in my parents' house for years, and there are several concerns related to that:
a.) living as an adult in my parents' home (general purposes)
b.) giving up a lot of my independence
c.) closeted lesbian moving back in with clueless parents...
The last one concerns me primarily logistically. During the past few months I have enjoyed slowly stepping out into the GLBT world... which I'm afraid will have to stop while I'm with my parents. First off I'll have very little money for going out, secondly, whenever I do go out, my parents will want to know where, why, and with whom.
Since "I'm going to the lezzie bar to see if I can meet people" would lead to a conversation I'm not ready for right now, I fear that for the next few months (hopefully, only a few) my dating chances will drop from small to none.
I'll also be attending their church while I'm living at home. I just don't feel right going somewhere else instead of riding along with them.
The last time I lived at home, I had not yet realized that I was a lesbian.
Any suggestions, those of you that have lived with your parents while they didn't know, and you did?
Although, if my parents ever stopped to look, they might figure it out on their own... for my birthday my dad gave me a power drill kit... of course, I've always been his "boy scout" and spent quite a lot of time as a teenager in the garage... as did my sister.... but oh yeah, she's bi....
I posted this last year on my facebook account. It still seems relevant.
Sometimes people remark on what they see as my lack of patriotism. This is frustrating to me, because I feel strongly that I am a patriot. Perhaps my patriotism is different than theirs.
My patriotism is not the kind that swaths itself in flags and “God Bless America” signs. My patriotism is not the kind that blindly follows what the government says at all times. My patriotism is not the kind that assumes that everything my country does is right.
I am rather afraid of people whose patriotism is like that.
My patriotism is the kind that wants my country to be the best that it can be, but does not believe that my country has reached that point yet. My patriotism is the kind that stands ever vigilant in defense of the rights given to us by our constitution, and ever aware of the responsibilities delineated therein. My patriotism is the kind that votes, for local, state, and national elections.
I am in love with what this country could be, should be, was dreamed to be. There are a lot of things about this country right now that I’m not a fan of, and I’m often vocally critical about these things. That does not in any way show a lack of affection for my country, but the very opposite. If I didn’t care about my country, it wouldn’t be a big deal when my countrymen and women’s civil rights are trampled. I wouldn’t care it my country did something I found wrong if I didn’t first care deeply about my country.
This makes itself most strongly felt when I contemplate war, both now and in our nation’s past. For centuries my family has fought in this nation’s wars, from the Revolutionary War to the Civil War to WWII. I’m proud of my ancestors who fought for this country’s independence, and my grandfather who fought against Hitler, but made uneasy by my family’s penchant for grey uniforms in the 1860’s. More recently, I’m really glad that my asthma ended my abortive attempt to join the Air Force in 2001, since I strongly disagree with the non-Afghanistan action our country has instigated. I weep for the soldiers who are killed and maimed in the service of our country, and fear that their sacrifice is for naught, or for a cause that we don’t really want to support.
If I knew that I could make our country into what it should be, a place where all people, regardless of race, gender, religion, nation of origin, sexual orientation, education level, or primary language can live in peace and prosperity in community with each other I would gladly do whatever it took – up to and including my life. If that’s what it means to be a patriot, I am one.
I'm buying myself a book for every 5 lbs lost... except the book I wanted to buy is not in stock in the two bookstores in my town, and the three bookstores in the next closest town of any size. So, my mother is going to look for it today in the metropolitan area where she lives.
This might seem odd, except I'm driving up there today for the 4th, and for a late birthday celebration with family.
I'm supposed to drink 64 ounces of water a day, plus 8 ounces for each 25 lbs I want to loose, which makes it a whopping 104 ounces a day. Of just water. Without Crystal Light, or anything else. It's not that I can't drink such things, it's just that I also need to drink the 104 ounces of water.
I have to start this on the day I have to drive three hours.
On Sunday I'm driving back here, to join up with the first ever pride event in my town (a lake party/cookout)... if I have "de nerve"
Oh, and I broke a nail, which is most annoying, because it was the one I used as a stylus on my Treo.
I'm an artist, at least on the hobbyist level, and if I'm not on the computer, reading, beading, sewing, crocheting, (or eating, let's be honest here) then I'm drawing, painting, sketching... etc.
Most of my life, I would find myself spontaneously drawing women (usually without their clothes) and go "OMG, I can't be drawing that - I shouldn't even be thinking about a woman's body, much less drawing it. So I would erase or crumple up the offending drawing, and got rather good at drawing cats, as an alternative. I tried drawing men, but was never very good at it.
Last night, I realized that I now have no problem with drawing women, and spend an enjoyable evening doing just that.
I'm a young woman trying to find a way to balance my beloved faith and my desire for a feminine beloved. God is good, and in charge, which is a good thing, because I would totally mess things up.
