Questions in the land of Euphemisms

Growing up, I didn't even have euphemisms. I only have a sister, no brothers, so apparently that made things easier for my mother. Before the mandatory sex ed video in fifth grade, the only differences I *knew* of between boys and girls was the way our hair was cut, and which department we bought our clothes in. As far as plumbing is concerned, I didn't even know that I had three holes downstairs, and in fact for a few years thought that hole that you neither peed or pooped out of somehow appeared at the onset of puberty.

Starting at about the same time as the sex ed video, I started hearing about "Worth the Wait" and "True Love Waits" and various other abstinence encouraging programs. I signed yearly commitment cards to "stay pure", "value my virginity" and various other wordings, and on my parents' 25th wedding anniversary (I was 14) they gave me a "promise ring" - a promise to myself, my parents, and to God that I would not have sex until I was married, and then, only to the person I married.

Now, perhaps this seems like so much Conservative Christian hogwash to you - yet another example of how a large part of the Christian community in this country seems obsessed with sex and sexual "sins" - and maybe it is - but here's the thing... I've believed it.

By the definition that s-e-x was explained to me, I am a virgin. In the 13 years since my parents gave me that ring, it has very rarely left my finger. It has become a part of my identity. It has become part of my hope that I will find someone to spend my life with, and don't I want to keep myself clean and pure and whole so that on my wedding night, after I have found that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, that I can give them my virginity like some kind of one-time-only present - the other option apparently sheepishly shrugging and offering oneself as a kind of used up kleenex.

The problem, or at least my current problem with this is that according to the definition I had gathered from these various abstinence programs, I could have wild lesbian orgies for the rest of my life and still consider myself a virgin, because until a man's *thing* has penetrated my *thing* that's what I'll be.

So, my current dilemma - as a moral, Christian lesbian where do I draw the line? (nothing below the waist, perhaps?) Do I draw a line? Do I just throw out this "true love waits" stuff as so much junk pressed on my by a patriarchal society bent on limiting female sexual freedom? And if I do decide to leave this behind with my heterosexuality - what do I do with my promise ring? If I did leave behind the ideas represented by that ring, I would feel horribly hypocritical still wearing it - and more than enough people I know also know what it means and would question its absence - drawing the wrong conclusions as they did so. While I am not ready to come out to my current church, my church of origin, or my parents, all of them would be concerned if I removed my promise ring, and would want to know why.

I know that with at least two of the three in those categories, and some would argue with all three, it's not really their business, I would feel rude and hurtful telling them so. 

The easiest thing would be to just continue wearing the ring, regardless of what I decide it means.

But is is the right thing?

The next big push

The next person I really want to come out to is my best friend, but I am really scared of how he would react, and since he knows my parents well, if he would feel he had to tell them or not. I wonder if I need to wait to tell him until I'm ready for my parents to know.

While I'm not ready to tell my parents, I want them to find out from me, not someone else.

Some of the things we talked about

In the five-hour talk-a-thon that my sister and I had last night, we covered a lot of ground. 

We talked about things about our childhood that in retrospect, seem early indicators. Both of us as children were more interested in "boy-scout" stuff - tomboys who you had to force to wear ribbons and bows (I still remember methodically removing my hose every Sunday in the girls' restroom, because my dad insisted that I wear it - but I insisted that I not wear it)

We talked about how both of us found it really easy to be pals, buds, friends with guys... while we were often intimidated by other girls, and some of the inexplicable things they would do (like wanting to perm their hair and wear make-up in 4th grade...)

We talked about how most of our relationships with boys and men slowly fell apart because we would rather hang out with them than kiss them, and how some relationships dramatically exploded because of the boys' insistence on make-outs when we didn't want it (I always thought I "wasn't ready")

We talked about why she has left the Baptist church (after I graduated high school it seems quite a few of the key members of the youth group at church thought the cool thing to do was to go to anti-gay rallies - and in the midst of her first recognized crush on a girl, my sister knew she wanted no part of that)

We talked about the very awkward conversation over two years ago, when she had just shaved her head (actually to try to pick up girls, I found out yesterday) and I wondered if she were gay or bi, and was trying to ask her using all kinds of euphemisms, which she was kind of surprised that I knew, but was resolutely, obtusely ignoring.

We talked about her current relationship, a man that she actually started dating after she shaved her head. She told him, fairly bluntly, early in the relationship, that she was mainly looking for a girl, but that he was nice. She loves him dearly. His parents love her, our parents love him, he's an overall nice guy, and she would commit to staying with him, marriage and all that entails, except for the part of her that wonders what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman. She is afraid to let him go, because of all the good things mentioned, the fact that she really does love him, and the inevitable questions that would follow if she broke up with someone with no apparent reason she's willing to share. She's also afraid that if she commits to him without having explored this other part of her sexuality that years down the road, after marriage, kids, life, she will reach a point where she just can't stand it any more, and ends up causing a lot of pain for her, him, and all of us that love them. She and I are hoping that he will give his blessing for her to attempt to casually date women for a while when she goes off to grad school - that way, if she realizes "oh, this really is more what I want to have in a relationship" she can do it now, with relatively less pain for all involved, and if she leaves and can't get off the phone/computer with him as soon as she's gone, she'll know that she can commit to him without regrets.

But both of us are just so glad to know that we can talk to each other about this part of ourselves. We've both agreed that neither of us are in any way ready to come out to Mom and Dad, but that if we ever do, we'll do it together and get it all over with at once.

Coming out to my Sister (you will never guess what happened...)

Ok, I know it's been forever and three days since I posted, but this year has been stressful, busy, and hectic... and that was just my job. I'm sick and tired of semirural Texas and its insular inhabitants, and am planning a move to the metropolitan area where I grew  up, and my parents and sister still live.

Hopefully this will lead to less stress in my life, more energy to blog, and more life to blog about.

But, anyhow, to today.

I'm house-sitting for my parents because they are off at a conference (in another country, no less) for the week. My sister and I have planned several days of activities while I'm here.

Now, my sister, and our mutual desire to do things together has been worrying me, because while I know that I can keep from my parents information about myself that would let them draw conclusions (mainly because they don't know what conclusions to draw... and the fact that I'm not likely to go to night-clubs with then...) I knew that I could not successfully do that with my sister. She has a lot of gay friends, and would not write off a set of rainbow earrings as reminders of God's promises, a trip to the "gay" part of town because they have a really good vegetarian restaurant, or my continuing lack of a boyfriend because I haven't found "the one". My sister would see these things and know, so I knew I wanted to tell her first, so I would know her reaction, and hopefully stave off any "OMG I have to call Mom" moments. I decided to first tell her I'm bi - and then more, depending on her reaction. 

So, anyhow, this is really rambling, and I'm sorry that for the first post in such a long time it's such horrible writing. I'm sure one day I'll work it up into something glorious.

Anyways, today I drive up to see her, with the intention in the back of my head that sometime this week  I have to tell her. We walk around the downtown area of her suburb, looking at shops and restaurants and chatting. When it gets late enough, we go into one to eat.

Sometime during dinner, the time seems right.

I ask "If I tell you something, can you keep it a secret from Mom and Dad?"

...she affirms...

So I say it "I'm bi."

She raises up her hand to give me a hi five, which I quizzically return.

"Me, too." 

We talked straight through the next 5 hours, and would have talked longer except I had to get home to take care of the pets.

Of all the possible reactions she could have had, this was the best.

busy

sorry I haven't blogged much - have a new job at a new school in a new city, and it's running me ragged. guess I'll get back to regular blogging in... june?

Weight loss and such

I am reading a book called "The Beck Diet Solution" and working through the partnering workbook. It uses cognitave therapy to help you develop healthy habits and thoughts regarding food. It has really helped me see how much of my overeating was completely tied up with my emotions, how I wanted people to perceive me, how I thought they perceived me, and actually some to do with my tension over denying and then admitting my homosexuality - and I almost never ate because I was hungry, and in fact, almost never was hungry. While it helps you with the thought process, the book itself does not provide a diet plan, and suggests that you line up not one, but two - so if you give up on one you don't just stop dieting, but move on to the next one. For my diet I'm doing Weight Watchers, and exercising at the gym 3-4 times a week and stair climbing once a week. At the gym I mainly do the treadmill and water aerobics.

So, if y'all were wondering, that's how I've lost thirty pounds thus far.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

Sorry I haven't written lately, y'all. I am right in the middle of preparations to move and start a new job, and have kicked the diet/exercise into high gear. Since I last wrote I've lost 20 pounds! That makes thirty since the start of the year! 

Anyhow, I'm fine, I'm busy, I'm trying to bring organization to the chaos that is my life, and am making progress towards being debt free!

Sorry for all the exclamation points, I'm in a hurry, so they seem appropriate...

ttfn