Many Gifts, One Spirit

The sermon at church yesterday was about this, and the song the 

choir sang was this song (although this is not my church's choir) 

I was sitting there, next to a friend that I have quite a crush on, 

wishing I felt comfortable telling her, telling everyone there, about 

this part of me, and, not wishing the repercussions, saying nothing. 

This song is beautiful, but how can we say we are many parts one 

body when the same church that also sang this song refused 

baptism to a practicing lesbian (if she had made some kind of vow 

of chastity, it would have been fine...) and dismissed from 

employment a youth leader who was "outed" against her will. The 

man who was directing the choir has openly admitted in his 

testimony that he "struggles with homosexual urges" but that he is 

doing his best to overcome them and to prove that regularly dates 

women.

I want to think that if I told them, they'd realize that GLBT people 

are just as talented, called, and loved by God as anyone else, but 

seeing this congregational response to previous issues, I feel I 

would just be ostracized and made unwelcome in a place that has 

become "home" to me. I'm moving in about a month, and 

perhaps I'll just exit quietly, stage right.

The new diet...

So, I've started a new diet plan - one through a company - Metabolic Research Center - and suddenly I have a bunch of new supplements to take - with every meal, no less. 

In the picture here you see how many pills I'm to take each day. The first compartment on the left is filled with the pills that I had already been taking (one prescription medication, a multi-vitamin, and an iron supplement) The OTHER THREE compartments are filled with my new regimen...

Here's hoping this works!

You Say

You say you serve a God of love

Who came to wash the world of sin.

Your lineage you say comes from above

But your words show you're not of Him.

You say I'm like a junkie or a drunk

Irresponsibly picking up needle or can.

But I say that's a  load of junk

I have yet to lie with a woman or a man.

You didn't have to struggle, as a child

To fit your square self in a hole for a round peg.

I'm tired of hurting from the edges I've filed

I'm moving forward to see what's ahead.

But no no no no you cry

For don't you know that God will smite

you if you should try

to put a woman in your life

It's sin it's sin it's sin it's sin

You yell, louder and louder still

And after you finish, begin again

Your choleric rage making you ill

But all this serves the opposite intent

I see nothing Godly in this din

To you I will not repent

Love is the opposite of sin.

well, I'm not a very good poet, but at least I know it ;)

This song

This song has been on my heart and mind recently. I'd like to learn how to play/sing it, but can't seem to find the sheet music or accompaniment track anywhere :(

Pity Party

It's my birthday. I'm 27, broke, and alone.

Questions in the land of Euphemisms

Growing up, I didn't even have euphemisms. I only have a sister, no brothers, so apparently that made things easier for my mother. Before the mandatory sex ed video in fifth grade, the only differences I *knew* of between boys and girls was the way our hair was cut, and which department we bought our clothes in. As far as plumbing is concerned, I didn't even know that I had three holes downstairs, and in fact for a few years thought that hole that you neither peed or pooped out of somehow appeared at the onset of puberty.

Starting at about the same time as the sex ed video, I started hearing about "Worth the Wait" and "True Love Waits" and various other abstinence encouraging programs. I signed yearly commitment cards to "stay pure", "value my virginity" and various other wordings, and on my parents' 25th wedding anniversary (I was 14) they gave me a "promise ring" - a promise to myself, my parents, and to God that I would not have sex until I was married, and then, only to the person I married.

Now, perhaps this seems like so much Conservative Christian hogwash to you - yet another example of how a large part of the Christian community in this country seems obsessed with sex and sexual "sins" - and maybe it is - but here's the thing... I've believed it.

By the definition that s-e-x was explained to me, I am a virgin. In the 13 years since my parents gave me that ring, it has very rarely left my finger. It has become a part of my identity. It has become part of my hope that I will find someone to spend my life with, and don't I want to keep myself clean and pure and whole so that on my wedding night, after I have found that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with, that I can give them my virginity like some kind of one-time-only present - the other option apparently sheepishly shrugging and offering oneself as a kind of used up kleenex.

The problem, or at least my current problem with this is that according to the definition I had gathered from these various abstinence programs, I could have wild lesbian orgies for the rest of my life and still consider myself a virgin, because until a man's *thing* has penetrated my *thing* that's what I'll be.

So, my current dilemma - as a moral, Christian lesbian where do I draw the line? (nothing below the waist, perhaps?) Do I draw a line? Do I just throw out this "true love waits" stuff as so much junk pressed on my by a patriarchal society bent on limiting female sexual freedom? And if I do decide to leave this behind with my heterosexuality - what do I do with my promise ring? If I did leave behind the ideas represented by that ring, I would feel horribly hypocritical still wearing it - and more than enough people I know also know what it means and would question its absence - drawing the wrong conclusions as they did so. While I am not ready to come out to my current church, my church of origin, or my parents, all of them would be concerned if I removed my promise ring, and would want to know why.

I know that with at least two of the three in those categories, and some would argue with all three, it's not really their business, I would feel rude and hurtful telling them so. 

The easiest thing would be to just continue wearing the ring, regardless of what I decide it means.

But is is the right thing?

The next big push

The next person I really want to come out to is my best friend, but I am really scared of how he would react, and since he knows my parents well, if he would feel he had to tell them or not. I wonder if I need to wait to tell him until I'm ready for my parents to know.

While I'm not ready to tell my parents, I want them to find out from me, not someone else.