Saturday, May 17, 2008

My first night "out"

One of the few people that I actually know who I'm out to is my friend "Sam" who is a lesbian and trans FTM, pre-op. If I just used a bunch of terms you don't know, Sam is a biological woman who feels like a man. She dressed like a man, buzzes her hair, and one day wants to start testosterone therapy and possibly have a few operations to make her body match her head. So, as a lesbian, she is very "butch". She lives three hours away from me, so I don't get to see her often, but the other weekend she was in town. She convinced me to go with her to the local "gay" bar, which, truth to tell, while I had been curious, I never would have gone there on my own. I was terrified that I would see someone I know, or someone I know would recognize my car outside the place and ask why I was there, etc. 
Going out that night convinced me of a few things.

I really hate bars, of any variety. I hate cigarette smoke. I hate the way my eyes itch in it, I hate the way my clothes smell when I've been surrounded by it. I wish there was a gay coffee-house or a gay bookstore or a gay anything-else-but-a-bar in my town, because I truly hate bars.

I hate when people I'm with get drunk to the point of throwing up. Sam didn't, but her brother was with her, and he did. I was so embarrassed I wanted to sink into the floor, and I don't think I'm ever going to a bar again with Steele - although I might with Sam.

Kissing a woman is beautiful. Sam offered a little no-strings makeout, since she knows I haven't found the nerve to approach another woman yet. Kissing her was beautiful, and felt right in a way kissing a guy never felt. 

After kissing Sam I was able to start day-dreaming about what kind of woman I want to meet. Before it was just some kind of amorphous "woman" - now I've been thinking of what kind of hair I think is cute, and what things I would like her to be into, how she might dress, which books she might read. 

But cigarette smoke and vomit remain disgusting.

Why do people want to do things that lead to such substances?

6 comments:

Joan K said...

There are alternatives to bars, thankfully. I never liked the bar scene much.

Maybe someday you can travel to Women's week in Provincetown, MA. It is 7 days of all sorts of activities, plays, art shows, speakers, famous comedians, church services. It is a lot of fun.

It is wonderful to see so many women taking over the town, walking together and holding hands, kissing and free to be themselves.

I live in MA so I know it well. Perhaps there is something similar in your area.

I met my wife through a Yahoo personals ad although I didn't have to worry about being discrete.

I think I've said it before, but you might be able to find a religious organization for GLBT folks in a particular denomination. I don't know what the Baptist one is but you might enjoy checking out one even if it isn't Baptist, just to have a chance to meet faithful Christians who are GLBT.

Joseph said...

If you are in the Dallas area, check out the Cathedral of Hope. It is the world's largest LGBT church in the world. We have plenty of lesbians to boot. Its a great congregation. I been there 7 yrs. www.cathedralofhope.com. 9a,11a (Traditional), 6p (Vespers), and Wed 7:15p (Contemporary).May you find your place in Gods world. Also there is www.gaychristian.net. I was a Baptist for 5 years. I was almost going to go to a Baptist college and go to seminary. There are people out there who still feel the pain and misery of being a minister and being gay at the same time. I will keep you in my prayers. I have been kicked out from people's homes, told horrible things, etc.

Bruce Lowe said...

Dear Lesbian Baptist: I am a Baptist minister and I want you to read "Letter to Louise: Biblical Affirmation for God's Homosexual Children" at www.godmademegay.com and then please write me.

A site you will enjoy is www.christiangays.com

May God bless you richly. Bruce

Anonymous said...

I never liked bars either. I don't drink much and cigarettes burn my eyes, but I love a good drag show.

You need to find a church that loves you. There are two Baptist churches in Atlanta Virginia Highland and Oakhurst. Virginia Highland was awfully liturgical when I went there however. Not very Baptist at all.

IF you are anywhere near Baton Rouge there is a good MCC that is quite at bit like a Baptist church. Some MCCs are liturgical and you would probably find them boring. This one is different. The pastor, Keith Mozingo, is Church of God, which has a lot of similarities to the Baptist church. Keith is a really good preacher--very Baptist like. The church is about half and half men and women with a nice sprinkling of heterosexuals also, some of whom are parents or children of gay people. There are also some transpeople. If you go on the MCC Baton Rouge website you can sample a sermon. The church is on Tom Drive off of Airline (61)
in Baton Rouge. It is a church you can go to online if you cannot get there in person.

Even though it is a small church, MCCBR has a lot of technology thanks to the fact that our technology guy owns a film company. He tapes all the services. Therefore, we have a beautiful website with sermons and events. He also does the website for Big Easy MCC (How is that for a name? in New Orleans (where else?) The church is also organizing what passes for Pride in Baton Rouge.

Don't let your spiritual life get sidetracked while you are finding out who you are. It is an easy trap to fall into. Satan loves to tell gay people that God does not love them. In fact, a woman with an alcohol problem said a few weeks ago, "I didn't know God loved gay people."

You are a Christian person and need a spiritual life that is biblically based and supports you. As a Baptist you know that you cannot get unsaved so you are part of God's family whether the Southern Baptists like it or not.

As a whole the gay community has kind of ignored or even disdained God, getting into the very liberal end of Christianity or even other religions because the Religious Right has been a huge hypocritical stumbling block for many years. God does not like this at all and God's word says that it is better that a millstone be put around their neck and they be thrown in the ocean than that they cause someone to stumble. But they don't want to listen. The Southern Baptists are among the worst. Back in 1985 a group of gay Christians surrounded First Baptist Atlanta after Rev. Charles Stanley, as head of the Southern Baptist Convention said that AIDS was God's punishment on homosexuals. This was and is Stanley's church. Yet around the same time he was committing adultery.

Well, I will close. You were in more than one paper. Saturday your site was in the Baton Rouge paper, The Advocate. Don't about what the false prophets and false teachers say. They will deceive even the elect if they have a chance.

Stuck in the middle with GOD said...

Hey,

I'm starting a team blog which you seem to have experience on the subject and it would be nice to have your input. Drop me an email if your interest blankmybox@hotmail.com or take a look at the blog biblicallygay.blogspot.com


Dave Smith

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you have not written lately. I think people care about you and want to know how you are doing. Maybe you should continue to write, and do your best to protect your privacy. My cousin came out and now is in a committed relationship. She has twin boys and a little girl. Her partner's brother fathered the children.

I think your blog can help you share your feeling, and help your find your way, enhance your prayer life and look to God to give you strength.