Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Going home again

At the end of this month, I'm moving back in with my parents.

The reason for this is that I don't have a job.

Things that concern me:

1.) Getting a job (that I like, that pays enough, that will allow me to finish my teacher certification process, and is in a place where I am welcomed and encouraged in my teaching)

2.) I haven't lived in my parents' house for years, and there are several concerns related to that:
a.) living as an adult in my parents' home (general purposes)
b.) giving up a lot of my independence
c.) closeted lesbian moving back in with clueless parents...

The last one concerns me primarily logistically. During the past few months I have enjoyed slowly stepping out into the GLBT world... which I'm afraid will have to stop while I'm with my parents. First off I'll have very little money for going out, secondly, whenever I do go out, my parents will want to know where, why, and with whom. 
Since "I'm going to the lezzie bar to see if I can meet people" would lead to a conversation I'm not ready for right now, I fear that for the next few months (hopefully, only a few) my dating chances will drop from small to none.
I'll also be attending their church while I'm living at home. I just don't feel right going somewhere else instead of riding along with them.
The last time I lived at home, I had not yet realized that I was a lesbian.
Any suggestions, those of you that have lived with your parents while they didn't know, and you did?

Although, if my parents ever stopped to look, they might figure it out on their own... for my birthday my dad gave me a power drill kit... of course, I've always been his "boy scout" and spent quite a lot of time as a teenager in the garage... as did my sister.... but oh yeah, she's bi....


Cecilia said...

Having only just come out to my dad at age 48... not sure I have much useful advice for you!

How old are you? Why isn't "going out with friends" a good answer to "Where are you going?" (especially if you're over 18 years old!).

Are you paying rent? If so, you are in a stronger position to negotiate some appropriate boundaries that respect you as an adult while respecting your parents, in whose home you will be (temporarily, one hopes!) residing.

Really, attending their church concerns me most of all. COnservative/ Fundamentalist churches frequently give out such poisonous messages about lgbtq people... I am hoping there is some way to immunize yourself against that.

Have you read "Bulletproof Faith" by Rev. Candace Chellew-Hodge? She is a lesbian, and it is a "how to save your own life" for lgbtq folks of faith... highly recommended.

Blessings, friend. I will certainly keep you in prayer.

Joan K said...

I lived with my mother when I was coming to terms with my being a lesbian, dating and finding my wife. I was in my late 50's and early 60's. She had no idea of any of it at the time. In my opinion women can have women as friends without an eyebrow being raised as long as the women you are hanging around with are OK with you and them being in the closet.

Assuming you have a car I don't think there is a problem with saying things like, I'm going to a free concert, I'm going to a movie, actually anything as long as it is rather phrased in a neutral manner.

I think it is necessary for your sanity and self-worth to get out of their environment and find a place more positive. Your parents also need to realize you are an adult and don't have to regress to childhood when back with them. I would not however come out of the closet with them right now. You need to be in a more secure place financially to do that in case they react badly.

Perhaps you can find a GLBT friendly church like UU or Metropolitan church and attend some of their activities and still go with them on Sunday. Or maybe you could find some volunteer activites that would put you in touch with other GLBT folks. I have some friends that met other lesbians, as friends, on Yahoo personals.

My mother has accepted my lesbianism and my wife, finally.

Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

Birdie said...

I can only address how to change from child/daughter to adult/daughter, something I managed at about age 30. When your parents say something that leads you to anger or secrecy, ask yourself "What would I say if it were anyone else?"

Envisioning that helped me respond appropriately without emotion and on an adult level. Demanding respect quietly got me exactly what I wanted. I'm closer to my mother than any of my siblings because of it. It isn't easy—they still push those buttons occasionally—but it is worth every effort to maintain. Good luck, CLB.