Saturday, April 26, 2008

Bravery and Cowardice

So, I finally got up the nerve/self realization to start blogging, and meet lots of really nice people, and a few really nasty ones, and etc, y'all saw that.

I felt kind of like someone who had come out into the sun, was discovering that it was nice, and then had a bucket of fish heads dumped on me.

That, plus fears that people would somehow discern who I was if they stumbled upon my blog and actually know me. 

So, that's why I haven't written recently.

I'm not sure how to resolve these issues.

I'm in the process of getting a new job, that I really want, and am afraid that in some freak of technology, that the people hiring me will find this blog and somehow know it's me, which is rather irrational I know.

I kind of want to curl into a ball and say "you can't see me, you can't see me..."

Oh Lord, help me to be brave in You.


Choralgirl said...

Hi there, Kiddo--

Glad to see a post from you; I've been wondering how things were for you.

You are doing just fine--hang in there! It's not an uncommon thing to be REALLY self-conscious about a new thing that feels so fraught with risk. I was pretty sure, the day after I first admitted to myself that I was gay (by kissing the woman who is now my wife of 10 years), that it was obvious to passers-by.

I went to Barnes & Noble (my Retail Therapy of Choice) to pick up a couple of books about being gay, thinking that'd help me sort it out a bit in my head, and was thoroughly amazed that no one but me could see the giant arrow that said "authentic potential lesbian" in scrolling marquee lights that was pointed at my head.

Turns out, it WAS just me. :-)

Hope it goes well with the new job.

Oh, and about the fish heads--best thing for it is to take a bath, get yourself an umbrella of some kind, and come back out into the sun.

You can do this.


Joan K said...

Fear is normal and natural. I remember feeling like I was going to die when I told my mom I was a lesbian. She was surprised but she likes my wife a lot. It all worked out.

I re-read your blog and I can find nothing that identifies you as to name or location. I don't think it is remotely possible to identify you.

Keep on keeping on. It will get better and easier with time.

Cecilia said...

This is hard and new. I think you are doing something amazing and brave. Continued prayers for you, for all of us in this struggle.

Pax, C.

PS Don't let the bozos get you down.

Anita said...

This isn't a choice between being brave and being a coward and if it were then you, my dear, would fall on the side of bravery. All of us who have been there or are there know that any step is a huge step and this blog here....HUGE step and not for you alone but for others who you'll encourage along the way. Post on those days when it feels safe to do so but on days when it doesn't then don't.

You're amazing.

Hidden in Christ said...

i was so encouraged by your blog. to know that i'm not the only one who has those thoughts! i feel the same exact way. i am always stressing out about someone finding my blog and figuring out that it's me. i'm almost overly paranoid! i try to right in such a way where there aren't a ton of specifics, but it's hard. i would encourage you to keep writing though! i love reading your blogs!

you're not alone :) i am a paranoid closeted lesbian recovering-baptist!

keep us posted about the new job!