Thursday, April 10, 2008

So, anyways, this week.

It's not been good, this week. It's been confusing. It's been depressing. It's been anxiety-ridden.
I'm waiting for a very important piece of mail that has not come yet and is driving me to distraction, so that's why I'm anxiety-ridden.

This monday I was at a thing for church and a woman shared her testimony - which featured her being "saved from homosexuality" She is now "happily married" and has three children.

I came out to another friend, who I thought would understand. She wanted to pray for me to be rescued from temptation for 30 minutes.

I flirted with a guy today and enjoyed it. I wish my pheromones would make up their minds.

Part of me longs to return to the quasi-fundamentalism of my childhood, where there was no grey, just black and white. No thinking was involved, just following the rules.

And part of me is afraid of no longer being the little girl who always did what was expected.



Joan K said...

I can really understand the attraction of rules and wanting everything black and white. I was a conservative catholic and a nun for a time. I loved having everything black and white. Everything was defined and set in stone. I came to realize that having everything black and white was an attempt to put God in a box, to constrain and limit who and what God is. We humans can't limit and constrain the mind of God. And of course it was also an attempt to deny my sexuality (lesbian).

I finally came to realize that I can't define God, or limit Him. I came to accept myself too.

Coming out is difficult and scary. You never know how people will react.

God loves you and is leading you towards peace and wholeness. It is a difficult and painful process, but so worth it, Gob Bless.

jadedjabber said...

I just came across your blog. I often long for the simplicity of my childhood faith. Sometimes I miss the simplicity of the joy in Christ that it created. I knew I was right, and I knew what I needed to do to stay that way. So calming. Thank you for you blog.