Wednesday, April 2, 2008

What door?

So, I'm a teacher in a small town, in a southern, "red" state. I grew up in the Southern Baptist Church. I became a Christian when I was seven. I was at the church just about every time the doors were open. I was in children's choir and GA's (girls in action), later youth choir, which enabled me to go on several mission trips. I went to a small Baptist college, and am still an active member at a Baptist church (although not a Southern Baptist one). My faith is very important to me, and so is my church. It would break my heart to leave my church. I guess for most people this wouldn't be a problem.
The problem for me? I've come to the conclusion in the past year that not only am I not that attracted to men, but I am very attracted to women. I am not straight. I am a lesbian... and only four people in this world know, and they are all either gay, lesbian, or bi. 
While I know that God made me the way I am, I am afraid of rejection, disappointment, isolation, loosing friends, and possibly even loosing my job if I came out about my sexual orientation. I don't feel like I have the courage to be a pioneer in this arena, at least at this time, but I'm praying for change.
As of right now, I have no plans to even look for the door of the closet, much less come out of it.


Cecilia said...

Welcome, dear sister, to the blogosphere. You will find a community here that will hear you into your light... that is what I have found. My prayers are with you.

Pax, C.

John Shuck said...

In your own time and way. Thanks for being you!

Anonymous said...

This is the way I feel too. I was brought up in a Baptist church also and have come to this realization just in the last few months. I have only told one other person. It is weird sometimes I feel whole, other times I feel like it is a dream, and most of the time I think the whole thing will never work out. I will be praying for you.

FranIAm said...

God bless you and please know that many prayers hold you ever closer to God!

God made you as you are, with great and tender love and God invites you on this journey.

Peace to you!

TNQR Rev said...

You will know the timing by listening to the urgings of the Spirit. In the meantime be strenghtened by the love from others, especially those of us that know what it is like to reconcile faith with orientation.
You are a beloved child of God, always and forever, no matter what!

The Swandive said...

You just keep following the beat of the drum that God has for you, in your own way, in your own time. In the meantime... welcome. And blessings.

Caminante said...

But at least you know and accept you are in the closet. It is far harder to see someone who doesn't even realise or denies they are in there! IMHO they often do far more damage to those of us who are out because of that struggle.

Prayers as you move forward.

Snad said...

I hope that I live long enough the see the day when no one has to say "I am afraid I will lose my job/frieds/church/family (cirlce one) if they find out who I love". And I hope you soon find that day when you can say it, youself.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your blog. I loved your statement that you didn't have the courage to be a pioneer in this arena. You are not alone. You sound young and you have time to find your life and make it a fulfilling one. Don't settle. How awesome that you had someone to come out did you find them? Good luck to you in your quest. My prayers are with you.

Wormwood's Doxy said...

LB--It was the witness of faithful Christians like yourself that helped me dump the homophobia I was steeped in from birth. Jesus said that good comes from God, and that you would know the faithful by the fruits of their lives. I have seen good in abundance in the lives of my GLBT friends, and I know that God does not lie.

Prayers for you and all in your situation.


guitarsean said...

As painful as it might be you ultimately must be true to yourself. Although I am an atheist I would say that if God exists for you, that God made you as you are and will hear you whether you are in a church or not. God didn't make you to live in fear. The pain you may go through in coming out wont be as bad as trying to live your whole life in hiding. I hope you find happiness.

Jessica Renee' said...

It's nice to hear that someone is in the same situation I was in. It's good you're taking it slow (from what I read) also. I really hope your fears don't come true, sometimes it takes courage to know when the time is right, not just to blurt it out (like I did 3 years ago). If that makes any sense what so ever. We've got a lot in common really. Except my 'consequences' have almost all happened. I wish you a lot of luck on your journey, my prayers are with you.