Monday, June 15, 2009

Some of the things we talked about

In the five-hour talk-a-thon that my sister and I had last night, we covered a lot of ground. 

We talked about things about our childhood that in retrospect, seem early indicators. Both of us as children were more interested in "boy-scout" stuff - tomboys who you had to force to wear ribbons and bows (I still remember methodically removing my hose every Sunday in the girls' restroom, because my dad insisted that I wear it - but I insisted that I not wear it)

We talked about how both of us found it really easy to be pals, buds, friends with guys... while we were often intimidated by other girls, and some of the inexplicable things they would do (like wanting to perm their hair and wear make-up in 4th grade...)

We talked about how most of our relationships with boys and men slowly fell apart because we would rather hang out with them than kiss them, and how some relationships dramatically exploded because of the boys' insistence on make-outs when we didn't want it (I always thought I "wasn't ready")

We talked about why she has left the Baptist church (after I graduated high school it seems quite a few of the key members of the youth group at church thought the cool thing to do was to go to anti-gay rallies - and in the midst of her first recognized crush on a girl, my sister knew she wanted no part of that)

We talked about the very awkward conversation over two years ago, when she had just shaved her head (actually to try to pick up girls, I found out yesterday) and I wondered if she were gay or bi, and was trying to ask her using all kinds of euphemisms, which she was kind of surprised that I knew, but was resolutely, obtusely ignoring.

We talked about her current relationship, a man that she actually started dating after she shaved her head. She told him, fairly bluntly, early in the relationship, that she was mainly looking for a girl, but that he was nice. She loves him dearly. His parents love her, our parents love him, he's an overall nice guy, and she would commit to staying with him, marriage and all that entails, except for the part of her that wonders what it would be like to be in a relationship with a woman. She is afraid to let him go, because of all the good things mentioned, the fact that she really does love him, and the inevitable questions that would follow if she broke up with someone with no apparent reason she's willing to share. She's also afraid that if she commits to him without having explored this other part of her sexuality that years down the road, after marriage, kids, life, she will reach a point where she just can't stand it any more, and ends up causing a lot of pain for her, him, and all of us that love them. She and I are hoping that he will give his blessing for her to attempt to casually date women for a while when she goes off to grad school - that way, if she realizes "oh, this really is more what I want to have in a relationship" she can do it now, with relatively less pain for all involved, and if she leaves and can't get off the phone/computer with him as soon as she's gone, she'll know that she can commit to him without regrets.

But both of us are just so glad to know that we can talk to each other about this part of ourselves. We've both agreed that neither of us are in any way ready to come out to Mom and Dad, but that if we ever do, we'll do it together and get it all over with at once.


Wormwood's Doxy said...

My first husband was like your sister. He loved me dearly, didn't want to lose our friendship, and was told by our church that the way to "become straight" was to get married--so he married me, even though he was gay.

It did not end well.

We are still friends, but we both endured a great deal of pain (and I had to deal with the anger, as well) in the process. Your sister has not asked for my advice, of course, but if I were to give it, it would be this: Follow your inclinations and don't keep this guy hanging on. If you are strongly attracted to other women, chances are that you always will be, and you will never be able to give him the deep and abiding love he deserves to have. Nor will you ever get the deep and abiding love you deserve for yourself. You only get that when you are able to give yourself unreservedly--heart, soul, body, and mind.

Having just married my soul mate, I can tell you that there is a qualitative difference in our relationship. There is something lovely and holy in it that was missing in my other relationships. There is love, joy, physical attraction, and spirituality. Had I known it was truly possible to find that in one person, I would not have made so many relationship mistakes.

But it IS possible. And it IS worth waiting for. Don't settle. Keep looking for the one you cannot live without, and who cannot live without you. Keep looking until you find the one for whom you give thanks to God a thousand times a day.


deb said...

Wow! I just left a comment on your most recent post, but I have to leave one here, too. Please ask your sister to read Carol's blog before she moves ahead with the relationship she is in. Carol's blog is My Heart Goes Out